no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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