I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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