so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
pray to the hookup gods
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
