There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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