the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
