i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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