i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
