My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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