So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
