Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
