Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
there is puke in my bra ... again
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