if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
