i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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