I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
