i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
