Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
