I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
