I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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