he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
