Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
