I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
