So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize