My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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