my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize