I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
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