I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
