fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
