I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
