This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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