All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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