can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
