I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
