He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
