the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
