And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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