Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
