Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
