My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
