My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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