i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
