When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Randomize
