I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
