did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
