Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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