Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
