there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
