U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
