so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
