Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
