Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
