Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
