3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he fucked my hip out of place.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Randomize
