you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
