Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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