mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
