I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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