Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
