I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
